this is a test...

...to see if anyone still checks my blog. i don't know if i should even bother updating, but i at least want to provide a little musical update for those interested...

i have been playing for awhile with my girl Amy Stroup, who has had her song "Hold Onto Hope Love" on ABC's "Brothers & Sisters" and "Private Practice" recently. she is a lovely lady putting out great songs like crazy.

it's been a huge joy to play and travel with Cindy Morgan over the last year, and i'm getting ready to head out on the Gloria Christmas Tour for the second year with her, Travis Cottrell and Shaun Groves. i could not be more excited to be out on the road with such wonderful people for an even more wonderful cause.

in february i will hit the road with Michael Gungor, who you must check out if you have not yet. then, sometime in the spring/summer next year, plans are in the works for a tour with St. Lola in the Fields, whom you must also check out!

so... lots of wonderful things taking place in my life these days. my God has worked a wonder in my life recently, and i am walking with a full and hopeful heart for these awesome opportunities he's placed in front of me. thanks for tuning into my wonderful adventure.

is anyone out there...

...well if so, i apologize for the much-overdue-ness of this post. the past couple months have flown as i have gotten "back on my feet" ... literally and figuratively. i am very near to finally walking without a limp, which is huge. i could never have imagined how long and hard this road would be. but it's been good for me... humbling, quiet, sobering.

i can't explain how much i love autumn... the past few years it has been a painful time of life, where the Lord would strip away thing near to my heart just as the leaves are stripped from the trees. but this year is quite the opposite, and i am just reveling in it. i am overwhelmed daily by the awesome intimacy my Jesus offers to me... He calls out to me in mercy each morning, and reminds me through the day of how He is carrying me... and sits with me at night until i sleep. i never, ever have to earn His love and affection... i don't have to do anything to prove myself, i don't have to bolster up my pride and have it all together... in my most broken and exposed moments He just loves. perfectly loves.

He is giving me some great opportunities with music... i have had some fun sessions recently, and i get to go on a Christmas tour with Cindy Morgan, Travis Cottrell and Shaun Groves in december. i can't wait! my life is just filled with blessings right now...

so what else can i say? my prayer right now is that the truths that i see and experience in this time of plenty, will be remembered and held onto when He chooses again to take me to the desert. even in desert times He woos us...

Jesus in unexpected places...

it's been a week since i got home from Ethiopia... and i've spent the whole week simply wishing i could still be there. my team and i spent 10 days on the ground there, mostly spending time with orphaned children.

i can't explain the mysterious connection that i experienced with those kids... breaking through the language barrier, cultural differences, and age gap; there is something deep in their eyes that breaks my heart, yet fills it with hope in the same moment. they live a reality that i could never imagine, or - even if i tried - experience. they have no mother, no father, very few earthly possessions... only Jesus. and because of that, they radiate His love in a way i don't witness in americans. they know what it means to love Jesus regardless of social status, possessions and image... it is true, sober, unashamed love. i want that.

there is a lot i could say about my time in ethiopia, but this is the prevalent thought that has run through my mind all week as i have tried to process it all. i wonder what it would be like to be completely undistracted... nothing else to claim my affections, nothing lying to me, telling me that i must have it to be complete... only Christ. i'm afraid that i've been so steeped in a worldview that doesn't view Christ aside from wealth that i may never begin to understand it. but i really do long for it.

i can't wait to get back there... i could see myself living there, at least for a while. for now, i have to get those pesky loans paid off... but may i not forget where i met Jesus, in the eyes of children with nothing... and may i not forget what matters.

didn't learn the first time...

so i find it slightly ironic that my last post was called "time to think"... and it was written before i broke my foot.

i was up in ohio, enjoying a little college reunion with 8 of my best girlfriends, and i fell while attempting to go down some stairs (actually missed the stairs altogether) and badly broke my right foot. to make a long story short, i made it back to tennessee by the amazing kindness of my roommate, where i have spent 2 of my doctor's-ordered 6 weeks off my foot at home doing a whole lot of nothing. i have discovered a lot of things that i'm capable of on crutches during this time. today i even swept the floor! people keep telling me that i get a six-week vacation... but if this is "vacation" i don't want it.

when i threw my back out a couple weeks before this happened and spent a couple days at home, someone told me then that God has a way of making us rest in Him when we haven't been... and she encouraged me to spend that time with the Lord, seeking Him and resting in Him. well it is evident now that i didn't take that time... so He decided to knock me off my feet, literally... and say "no seriously, cara, rest." even though most days i literally have nothing to do, it is still a discipline to make myself sit and meet with Him. but when i have, wow it is sweet... He speaks so clearly in the silence, when everything else is absent.

i see this as a time to re-evaluate. i have lived in nashville for almost a year, and the Lord has showered some serious blessings in this year... serious hardships, and serious blessings. this is a great time for me to reflect, look ahead, and re-focus on what was on my heart when i first came here. when my undying passion was to proclaim the name of Jesus Christ through all i do here. pray that when i am basically stranded and doing very little of what i really would like to be doing, that i won't miss the point... the point being, Christ. He has made me be still, to see Him, know Him, and then proclaim Him.

time to think...

so nothing much has been going on recently. the heat has driven me inside... and time inside has driven me to think. having spent the last 8 or so years of my life running from one thing to the next, i often get frustrated with so much free time because i don't know what to do with myself. but i see the Lord using even my free time...

i know there is a lot of discussion among Christians about what it truly means and looks like to be a Christ-follower. i meet more and more people that are developing real passion for issues of "social justice"... as i have been faced with a lot of decisions regarding my finances, living situation, etc. lately, i have had to put my "passions" into action.

for a long time now, i have known that i'm not called to live a comfortable, easy life... i don't necessarily think i will end up across the world, dying as a martyr... but i beg God often that He will keep me from being sucked into the convenient, consumerist life that i see all around me... i fear that i will not truly understand my Humble Savior or live like Him if i "buy into" it all.

i really struggle with what my role is as a Westerner, an American... when i look at the immense poverty of the world... from third world countries to the family just down the street from me (literally). i simply cannot ignore God's words to "learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." i cannot forget for a second that He is a God consumed with "[letting] the oppressed go free, and [breaking] every yoke."

my spirit, my soul are weighed down as i sit in my wonderful apartment, or as i go buy whatever i need at the store, or as a send a "small" amount to my friend in haiti each month... wondering if i'm really doing what i can to seek justice, relieve oppression. i know God's grace and work in my life are not contingent on what i do, but if i am truly in Christ, how do i neglect what i know the heart of Christ beats and breaks for?

just the thoughts that plague me...

just another day in nashvegas...

so this morning i had one of those moments, that seem to come every couple weeks or so... just driving down the road and thinking over the past 8 months... and i was overwhelmed by how crazy and amazing this ride has already been, and how wonderful it is that i have survived. and come out as a stronger person. i am settled here... this is home. and i love it.

things have been pretty chill around here lately... springtime in nashville is absolutely amazing. this is the first time i have seen nashville green, because i moved here at the end of last summer when every living thing was so parched that it was dead and brown and ugly. so springtime is wonderful.

i have all of my money in for my trip to Ethiopia in july, and i am stoked. the last part of my support came in from my home church in kansas city, which was the most amazing thing... God totally provided, and i love that He used the people that have raised me and helped fuel the fire for mission in my heart.

i am enjoying a lot of free time outside of work, as music is moving slowly... but God continues to work in amazing ways in my heart. i am constantly challenged by the people around me and their faith walk, and i am ever dreaming of what big things God may choose to do in and through me... here in nashville and hopefully around the world someday.

so yeah. sorry if anyone was hoping for some big name-dropping here as far as my "music career" goes. i'm just enjoying God in the stillness and sunshine... waiting on Him... in peace and quiet.

looking up...

i might have said this on here before, but i really believe my life mirrors the seasons. at least that has been the case over the last couple of years. autumn always starts out beautiful, full of changes... but then at some point everything is stripped away and i'm left bare, exposed to the elements... things get cold. but in the midst of the gray, there is a hope of spring... and then it comes. what had died is now revived, renewed, and seems to be more beautiful than ever, simply because we had to wait so much for it. spring has come in nashville, and in my heart.

i got the awesome opportunity to record with nicole c. mullen last week for her new album... i did a small cello part and some background vocals for one song... i got to work with a couple amazing and experienced producers, and i learned so much, just in that one session. they passed on a lot of wisdom about how to get into the industry carefully and with integrity... i will be sure to let you know when the album comes out. watch for it in july. :-D

i'm also gonna be blessed to get three or four of my own songs produced soon... hopefully it won't be too long, and you'll see them up on my myspace.

i have just been sitting in awe lately... i by no means am ready to quit starbucks and do music full-time, but the connections i have made and the way some things have fallen into place blows me away... and takes the credit completely away from me... it has so clearly been the hand of my Lord working these things for me, and i cannot praise Him enough!

just a kid doing grown-up things...

i woke up this morning and just had one of those moments where i felt 15 again, in a grown-up world. i even told my roommate that i felt like it was weird that i had my own apartment... some days i can't believe how quickly this point in life has come. but i must say i am enjoying it so so much!

i met with the women's director at my church (Strong Tower Bible Church) this morning to talk about how and where i can get plugged in there, and just to get to know her... and it was a good chance to reflect back on my time in nashville so far and how the Lord has orchestrated things. i am overwhelmed when i look at all i have already been through and where i am right now... i never dreamed that i would be this far along after 7 months.

last sunday night i played in a benefit concert for tornado victims... i was there to play with sammy sylvester, a producer i met at my church... and the other artists for the concert were tommy sims, vince gill and amy grant. it was an in-the-round kind of show, and i ended up just playing along with everyone's songs here and there. so i have now played with amy grant... and vince gill... it didn't hit me for a couple of days how exciting that is. :-)






i am going to start playing with sammy as he gets gigs, and i am really excited for it. he is passionate about there being a cause behind the music - raising awareness or money for ministries, people in need, whatever... i am excited for the chance to tie the great passions in my life together - music and ministry... it's too much to put into writing here, but i am so in awe of God's blessing on my life right now. things are really moving. :-)

that's all for now... i couldn't ask to be in a better place right now.

new crib

so as of today i have been in my first apartment for a week. my rommie katie and i are having a blast so far. basically every piece of furniture we have is hand-me-down, but it gives the place such character (for now). as i write this, i am paying for laundry for the first time in my life... lame! but part of the growing up process, i guess... or something...

lots going on for me, in addition to the apartment... i am playing cello at my church tomorrow! it is my first time playing there, and i am really excited... as well as a little nervous, because i will be playing with some awesome musicians, and in the hearing of some awesome musicians... but it's definitely something the Lord has opened up for me, and i am so excited to be able to worship Him from the stage again. tuesday i have another gig, playing a couple of songs with an up-and-coming artist in christian music, jonny diaz (pronounced dye-az). you can check out his stuff at jonnydiaz.com. he has a good thing going, and i'm excited to meet him and be creative for a couple of his songs! later that day i have a session also! it's funny how things come in waves... i feel overwhelmed a bit, but it is all really good stuff!

the Lord continues to keep me very mindful of His incredible goodness all the time... He orchestrates things so perfectly, and although i still struggle with questions over where i am in life right now, i am always able to look back and remember that my God has NEVER failed... for thousands of years past with my brothers and sisters, all 22 of my years on this earth, and all eternity past. wow. there is still pain i deal with daily, but His face outshines it all... He holds me even when i am so, just... stupid. wow.

my heart spins in circles.

all at once your city crumbles like babylon
even the gardens you've been hanging on disappear before your eyes
take time, let the words sink in before you say your mind
heaven knows we all get lost sometimes
you will find your way back

wounded, you let your guard down
you feel stupid
you wish you never would have trusted your heart in someone else's hands
but it's all okay
i think you may have made the best mistake
i think we're made to give ourselves away
cause there's no other way to live

jenny lynn, i wish that i had your thin skin
i wish that i could let the love right in
maybe i'd rather feel the pain
cause freedom is a naked heart that always dares to give
a willingness to let the tenderness be taken as it may

-"jenny lynn" by katie herzig

at certain times in my life, including recently, i have been well aware of my constant emotional fluctuation that makes me a pretty intense and sometimes hard-to-deal-with person. within a matter of minutes my emotions can span the whole gammut... angry to sad to ecstatic, with everything in between.

and while i sometimes wonder if it's a curse to feel so deeply, all the time... i really can't help but be thankful for it... my life would be so much less full, less exciting, if i didn't feel as deeply. when i fall in love, i fall very deeply. and when i'm angry, i'm very angry. when i'm happy, i'm off the walls. i suck at hiding it, and i will always be this way. and i'm thankful. my life is so full.

on another note alltogether... i am excited to be playing with my friends tal and acacia, who just got signed to provident records. they are super talented and have tons of potential, and they are letting me tag along for their next gig... i am getting a chance to be as creative as ever on my cello, and i'm so excited. they are awesome girls, and you should check them out:
www.myspace.com/talandacacia
http://www.kumi-music.com/

i'm a TV star.

okay not really... but this is the closest i'll ever come.

www.thestellarawards.com

take a look and see when it's playing in your city... watch for smokie norful's performance. i had fun! :-)

my heart is so alive...

occassionally someone will tell me that i should update this more... so i am updating now just for the sake of an update. this scares me a lot because i don't want to be boring... in other words, leave me a comment if you're not bored after this post. :-)

my time in nashville since christmas has already started to fly... i am busy trying to get things ready to move into an apartment at the beginning of february with my most wonderful friend here in nashville! i have been trying to sift through a lot of my stuff and simplify my life. i hate having stuff. the more i have, the more i feel tied down... i was talked into getting renter's insurance today, but only because in the long run it actually makes my car insurance cheaper (don't ask). but i've always thought renter's insurance was silly because if all my stuff burned up in a fire, i think i would only feel more free!

i was extremely blessed by a random visit from a dear friend today, and we spent a lot of time just talking about everything that the Lord is working in us, as we always do. i think one of the healthiest things we can do is to look back... not for the sake of remembering past mistakes or hurts, but for the sake of recalling the Lord's incredible faithfulness in every situation we've been through. i pulled out an old journal (i'm an avid journaler) and read where i was a year ago today. i was completely overwhelmed to read of the work that the Lord was doing a year ago... and again overwhelmed when i even think of what He's done for me today. His goodness to me is beyond my comprehension... in pain, in heartache, in victory and great joy - He is always good. it sounds so cliche, but i can't get past it.

every day now comes with new dreams... dreams of what may happen here in nashville, dreams of what will be next, dreams of being a part of the solution to the problems in our broken world that weigh so heavily on my heart each day... and i can't wait for the Lord to further reveal His goodness as He ties my passions and His will together each day...

ready to take off...

whenever i fly, i always try and predict the exact moment that the plane is going to leave the runway... and i never can. all of a sudden i'm in the air, looking down at everything, and it blows my mind. i kind of think my life right now is like a plane picking up speed on a runway... and sooner or later it's going to take off - without me predicting it, realizing it, or understanding it. i'll just find myself looking down at the beauty all around me, my mind blown.

based on where i've been the last few months, i would like to believe that i can only go up from here... my 4-month trial run of nashville (which i didn't tell many people about) is finished... as i fly back out there tomorrow, i know i will be committing... and i couldn't be more excited for it. i am in the midst of such a beautiful adventure, and i loove the mystery... i love not knowing what's next, not knowing how i'm going to pay the next couple bills... and knowing the One who takes care of it all, even when i don't deserve it. i especially love that He doesn't leave it all up to me, or we all know that things would be quite a mess.

i'm gaining momentum... pretty soon you'll be looking up at me as i fly...

hanging out where i don't belong...

right now i am sitting in the midst of a snowstorm in cedarville... and realizing i have already forgotten how much i do not enjoy winter. people in nashville have been freaking out when the weather drops below 60 degrees... well take heart my southern friends, it could be worse. i do miss cedarville, but not cedarville winters... ugh.

the first couple times i came back up to cedarville after moving away left me confused because i knew i didn't belong here anymore, but i hated that. being up here this time, i know that i don't belong here but i am definitely to the point of being totally okay with that. the Lord has moved me into a new and exciting season of my life, and as much as i miss cedarville and the community and fellowship i experienced here, i know that He has something greater ahead of me. i can't try and hold onto this anymore. that isn't to say that these are not still my best friends and my best memories and the best years of my life so far, but i just know that there comes a time to accept the fact that life changes.

and life certainly is changing. but i couldn't ask for anything better right now... i have never felt more free. free to pursue whatever the Lord lays on my heart, free to go wherever that takes me... such freedom has only come through a long struggle and much pain... that does still linger, but is fading steadily day by day as i head full-force into the adventure that is still ahead...

stripping all away...

sorry for the serious lack of a post... it's been hard to put anything into words lately.

the Lord has taken me through seasons in the past where He has painfully taken away things that tempt me to find life in them, rather than in Him... and i am in the midst of such a season again, and deeper in than i've ever experienced. as i have written about in the past, nashville can seem like such a desert right now, being separated from what has been familiar and comfortable to me for so long. after feeling that for the first couple of months here, the Lord has stripped things away even more... leaving me completely broken before Him, aware that He truly is all i need...

but to be totally honest, i have wrestled with Him more this time than ever before... which is really rather foolish, because it only brings more pain. so i am learning surrender, because i am completely finite and He is truly infinite. His perspective is so much greater.

for those wanting a black and white update here... i am in my 3rd month at starbucks, still loving it. i have had a couple gigs recently, and have a couple upcoming gigs that are even paid! nothing has opened up for what i know my heart would be happy doing long-term, but enough to keep me going... i am always reminded by people in the know here that i just have to be patient.

i'll leave you with some beautiful promises that the Lord reminded me of this morning.

jeremiah 31.13b, 14, 17, 25
for I will turn their mourning into joy
and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.
I will fill the soul of the priests with abundance,
and My people will be satisfied with My goodness, declares the Lord.
there is hope for your future, declares the Lord.
for I will satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes.

waiting now and always...

so i really want to write an exciting update for those of you that have been keeping up with this...but the reality is that nothing really has changed since the last post! except that my hair is a slightly darker brown and i can now make any drink your heart may desire at starbucks. i am enjoying work and making new friends...paying my dues and biding my time while i try to find an in to some music work...

but overall, life remains a waiting room...waiting on the Lord...living in expectation of Him to work His plans that are so high above mine!

i got a call from a friend tonight that graduated with me in may, and i was so encouraged and refreshed to hear of someone else experiencing all of the same challenges...waiting and trusting...she simply told me, "cara, just keep waiting on Him...He will work something so much bigger than you ever imagined." simple words, but so timely.

so what seems to be an uninteresting post - "waiting now and always..." - is in reality very exciting because i serve an amazing God who loves to surprise us and reveal Himself in ways larger than we can dream of. and i am living in expectation.

well...i have been busy at work and have not updated much...i'm not sure how much there is to say, but here i am! i'm in my third week at starbucks, and i actually wake up most days excited to go to work - i love it! i work with some wonderful people and i just enjoy what i get to do...i mean, you can't complain about free starbucks drinks all day! :-)

other than work, i was able to go on a retreat with the young adult bible study i've been going to...and that was good. i wasn't necessarily in need of a "retreat" yet, but it was a great chance to meet some people and be reminded of my purpose in being here in Nashville...there are some opportunities for me to get involved in the lives of the downtrodden, oppressed and often-ignored people here in Nashville...and i'm stoked. i'm ready to be a part of Jesus setting some people free!

every day it starts to feel a little more like home...but i wonder if i will ever really feel at "home" anywhere in this world...i am so hungry for my Groom to come for me...

so that's the update... a continual lesson of trust and rest in my God, knowing it's not up to me, and it never was!

i don't wanna leave here, but i don't wanna stay
feels like pinching to me either way
and the places i long for the most are the places where i've been
they are calling out to me like a long lost friend

it's not about losing faith, it's not about trust
it's all about comfortable when you move so much
and the place i was wasn't perfect, but i had found a way to live
and it wasn't milk or honey, but then neither is this

i've been painting pictures of egypt
leaving out what it lacks
cause the future feels so hard
and i wanna go back
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned

the past is so tangible, i know it by heart
familiar things are never easy to discard
i was dying for some freedom but now i hesitate to go
i am caught between the promise and the things i know

if it comes too quick, i may not recognize it
is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
if it comes too quick, i may not appreciate it
is that the reason behind all this time and sand?...

~sara groves

this song has played over my ipod on each of the 3 trips i've made now from cedarville to nashville...and i don't think i could say it any better. in talking to a friend the other day, i found myself explaining my life right now as being in the wilderness...i know that i have the promises of peace and milk and honey in front of me...but that seems so distant as i wrestle through the "sand" that i can so clearly see all around me...

so i learn each day more and more to cling to the promises of my Faithful Savior, who has never failed me and certainly never will! every day He shows Himself so true to me...

i started work at starbucks today...spent five hours learning about how to clean and be nice to people. it was not especially exciting, but i know i will like it there...all of the "partners" i have met so far are so nice and helpful. tomorrow i will learn the espresso bar...so don't come into the maryland farms starbucks if you want a good cup of coffee! :-)

thanks for those of you who are reading...and praying...you have no idea how the Lord is answering...

it's a slow process...

psalm 147.5-6
how blessed is he whole help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD his God,
who made heaven and earth,
the sea and all that is in them...

i came back to nashville on wednesday for a job interview at starbucks...it went fine but now i'm just waiting...still sitting around with not much to do...and the pressure of finding a job is intensifying every day...

being back these past few days has been a huge battle in my heart, and a test of my trust in the Lord...most of the time, i don't want to be here...my heart is not here. but the Lord keeps drawing my eyes back to Him, His sovereignty and complete control over my life...and He has brought so much comfort and refuge in the midst of all the doubt and fear that plague me...

i went to a young adult bible study at a church on thursday night and had the chance to meet a few people, one of which is from kansas city...we got together last night and talked for a while, and it has been a huge blessing to have the first bit of friendship here...it's things like that that the Lord uses to keep me going, keep me trusting...

it's hard to try and explain the feelings of being here...you'll only understand if you've done it.

i'm so glad to know that my life is in Stronger Hands than mine.

feels like home to me...

tomorrow i am driving up to cedarville...

i may never come back...