my heart spins in circles.

all at once your city crumbles like babylon
even the gardens you've been hanging on disappear before your eyes
take time, let the words sink in before you say your mind
heaven knows we all get lost sometimes
you will find your way back

wounded, you let your guard down
you feel stupid
you wish you never would have trusted your heart in someone else's hands
but it's all okay
i think you may have made the best mistake
i think we're made to give ourselves away
cause there's no other way to live

jenny lynn, i wish that i had your thin skin
i wish that i could let the love right in
maybe i'd rather feel the pain
cause freedom is a naked heart that always dares to give
a willingness to let the tenderness be taken as it may

-"jenny lynn" by katie herzig

at certain times in my life, including recently, i have been well aware of my constant emotional fluctuation that makes me a pretty intense and sometimes hard-to-deal-with person. within a matter of minutes my emotions can span the whole gammut... angry to sad to ecstatic, with everything in between.

and while i sometimes wonder if it's a curse to feel so deeply, all the time... i really can't help but be thankful for it... my life would be so much less full, less exciting, if i didn't feel as deeply. when i fall in love, i fall very deeply. and when i'm angry, i'm very angry. when i'm happy, i'm off the walls. i suck at hiding it, and i will always be this way. and i'm thankful. my life is so full.

on another note alltogether... i am excited to be playing with my friends tal and acacia, who just got signed to provident records. they are super talented and have tons of potential, and they are letting me tag along for their next gig... i am getting a chance to be as creative as ever on my cello, and i'm so excited. they are awesome girls, and you should check them out:
www.myspace.com/talandacacia
http://www.kumi-music.com/

i'm a TV star.

okay not really... but this is the closest i'll ever come.

www.thestellarawards.com

take a look and see when it's playing in your city... watch for smokie norful's performance. i had fun! :-)

my heart is so alive...

occassionally someone will tell me that i should update this more... so i am updating now just for the sake of an update. this scares me a lot because i don't want to be boring... in other words, leave me a comment if you're not bored after this post. :-)

my time in nashville since christmas has already started to fly... i am busy trying to get things ready to move into an apartment at the beginning of february with my most wonderful friend here in nashville! i have been trying to sift through a lot of my stuff and simplify my life. i hate having stuff. the more i have, the more i feel tied down... i was talked into getting renter's insurance today, but only because in the long run it actually makes my car insurance cheaper (don't ask). but i've always thought renter's insurance was silly because if all my stuff burned up in a fire, i think i would only feel more free!

i was extremely blessed by a random visit from a dear friend today, and we spent a lot of time just talking about everything that the Lord is working in us, as we always do. i think one of the healthiest things we can do is to look back... not for the sake of remembering past mistakes or hurts, but for the sake of recalling the Lord's incredible faithfulness in every situation we've been through. i pulled out an old journal (i'm an avid journaler) and read where i was a year ago today. i was completely overwhelmed to read of the work that the Lord was doing a year ago... and again overwhelmed when i even think of what He's done for me today. His goodness to me is beyond my comprehension... in pain, in heartache, in victory and great joy - He is always good. it sounds so cliche, but i can't get past it.

every day now comes with new dreams... dreams of what may happen here in nashville, dreams of what will be next, dreams of being a part of the solution to the problems in our broken world that weigh so heavily on my heart each day... and i can't wait for the Lord to further reveal His goodness as He ties my passions and His will together each day...

ready to take off...

whenever i fly, i always try and predict the exact moment that the plane is going to leave the runway... and i never can. all of a sudden i'm in the air, looking down at everything, and it blows my mind. i kind of think my life right now is like a plane picking up speed on a runway... and sooner or later it's going to take off - without me predicting it, realizing it, or understanding it. i'll just find myself looking down at the beauty all around me, my mind blown.

based on where i've been the last few months, i would like to believe that i can only go up from here... my 4-month trial run of nashville (which i didn't tell many people about) is finished... as i fly back out there tomorrow, i know i will be committing... and i couldn't be more excited for it. i am in the midst of such a beautiful adventure, and i loove the mystery... i love not knowing what's next, not knowing how i'm going to pay the next couple bills... and knowing the One who takes care of it all, even when i don't deserve it. i especially love that He doesn't leave it all up to me, or we all know that things would be quite a mess.

i'm gaining momentum... pretty soon you'll be looking up at me as i fly...

hanging out where i don't belong...

right now i am sitting in the midst of a snowstorm in cedarville... and realizing i have already forgotten how much i do not enjoy winter. people in nashville have been freaking out when the weather drops below 60 degrees... well take heart my southern friends, it could be worse. i do miss cedarville, but not cedarville winters... ugh.

the first couple times i came back up to cedarville after moving away left me confused because i knew i didn't belong here anymore, but i hated that. being up here this time, i know that i don't belong here but i am definitely to the point of being totally okay with that. the Lord has moved me into a new and exciting season of my life, and as much as i miss cedarville and the community and fellowship i experienced here, i know that He has something greater ahead of me. i can't try and hold onto this anymore. that isn't to say that these are not still my best friends and my best memories and the best years of my life so far, but i just know that there comes a time to accept the fact that life changes.

and life certainly is changing. but i couldn't ask for anything better right now... i have never felt more free. free to pursue whatever the Lord lays on my heart, free to go wherever that takes me... such freedom has only come through a long struggle and much pain... that does still linger, but is fading steadily day by day as i head full-force into the adventure that is still ahead...

stripping all away...

sorry for the serious lack of a post... it's been hard to put anything into words lately.

the Lord has taken me through seasons in the past where He has painfully taken away things that tempt me to find life in them, rather than in Him... and i am in the midst of such a season again, and deeper in than i've ever experienced. as i have written about in the past, nashville can seem like such a desert right now, being separated from what has been familiar and comfortable to me for so long. after feeling that for the first couple of months here, the Lord has stripped things away even more... leaving me completely broken before Him, aware that He truly is all i need...

but to be totally honest, i have wrestled with Him more this time than ever before... which is really rather foolish, because it only brings more pain. so i am learning surrender, because i am completely finite and He is truly infinite. His perspective is so much greater.

for those wanting a black and white update here... i am in my 3rd month at starbucks, still loving it. i have had a couple gigs recently, and have a couple upcoming gigs that are even paid! nothing has opened up for what i know my heart would be happy doing long-term, but enough to keep me going... i am always reminded by people in the know here that i just have to be patient.

i'll leave you with some beautiful promises that the Lord reminded me of this morning.

jeremiah 31.13b, 14, 17, 25
for I will turn their mourning into joy
and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow.
I will fill the soul of the priests with abundance,
and My people will be satisfied with My goodness, declares the Lord.
there is hope for your future, declares the Lord.
for I will satisfy the weary ones and refresh everyone who languishes.

waiting now and always...

so i really want to write an exciting update for those of you that have been keeping up with this...but the reality is that nothing really has changed since the last post! except that my hair is a slightly darker brown and i can now make any drink your heart may desire at starbucks. i am enjoying work and making new friends...paying my dues and biding my time while i try to find an in to some music work...

but overall, life remains a waiting room...waiting on the Lord...living in expectation of Him to work His plans that are so high above mine!

i got a call from a friend tonight that graduated with me in may, and i was so encouraged and refreshed to hear of someone else experiencing all of the same challenges...waiting and trusting...she simply told me, "cara, just keep waiting on Him...He will work something so much bigger than you ever imagined." simple words, but so timely.

so what seems to be an uninteresting post - "waiting now and always..." - is in reality very exciting because i serve an amazing God who loves to surprise us and reveal Himself in ways larger than we can dream of. and i am living in expectation.